I would like to give a little insight into the Buy To Let market for any potential investor.

Before you hand over the keys to what is probably your second largest asset, for just a month’s advance rent, I wanted to outline a few items to prepare yourselves for…

Upon getting the keys for their new abode, the Tenant will get a lift to the local Bright House where he will puchase (weekly terms) a stereo system with a power output and speakers to put any Motorhead concert to shame. The next thing you will next hear is from your local Environmental Health Organization.

The Tenant likes the ambient temperature in the home to be a constant 30 degrees, to which the boiler must run at full power night and day. The Tenant will exude moisture on a biblical scale, added to by the constant laundry drying on the radiators and the switching on of the kettle at half hourly intervals. The Tenant will maintain their environment at all costs, sealing off any vents and ensuring windows are closed and keys to which are duly lost.

The Tenant will insist on a shower in the bathroom, to fit in with his or her busy lifestyle. The Tenant will struggle to ensure whichever screen you fit will stop the escape of water into the room below.

The Tenant will inevitably have some form of offspring. As we all know, children cannot sleep with magnolia walls, so the Tenant will paint all walls, woodwork and ceiling very badly, in a shade of cerise or navy blue that can only be obliterated with four coats of contract emulsion. Meanwhile the offspring will not require drawing pads, easels, Etch-A Sketch or the likes, as they have the perfect base on which to doodle, the newly plastered and painted walls of your investment property.

Upon first meeting the Tenant, they will have no interest in pets. However, once into the property, will go ahead with purchasing a bearded dragon with a vivarium the size of the lounge, a North African parrot (must be endangered, to ensure status with friends) and the largest American fighting dog is de rigueur. The dog must be allowed to defocate freely not only in the yard, but the front street or anywhere throughout the home. Locking the pet in will also ensure the door frames are gnarled correctly.

The Tenant must not attempt to do menial household chores, such as changing lightbulbs or any form of cleaning. The oven must be allowed to build up so much grease that the handle may be broken in due course. A pan must have been left on the cooker to reach the correct temperature to ensure the severe scorching on the worktop.

Dustbins are to be provided, although pizza boxes must be thrown in the front garden, just next to the old Dralon settee the Tenant acquired for family barbeques.

The Tenant is fuelled by poor diet and Frosty Jack. This enables hardening of the fists which will be demonstrated throughout the home by fistmarks in sepele door or the favoured plasterboard partitions.

The Tenant will require ironing of their attire, anything by Juicy Couture or Ed Hardy is favoured. An ironing board is deemed too expensive and far to difficult to assemble, so the floor along with a 100% nylon carpet are the perfect base on which to iron. Thus the ‘iron signature,’ a triangular shaped burn mark which will be hidden by an Argos rug come any inspection.

The Tenant will eventually seek pastures new, and must remember to leave behind at least three skipfuls of rubbish spread evenly throughout your property.

The Tenant must demand refund of any deposit, although causing £3,000 worth of damage and owing £2,000 in rent, £2,000 in legal costs and untold misery for the Landlord.

The Landlord can rest assured, however, comfortable in the knowledge his or her property has increased by at least £2.25 and the fact that some unfortunate, less well off than ourselves ‘people’ have been given a home in this difficult era.